For most of the day there was an air of excitement, especially for the sophomores.  Our annual fall ball was announced.  We were elated, because this is an event freshmen are not allowed to attend, so this will be the first year to we get to participate in some upperclassman fun.

 

I’m going to need a date, but I don’t want to be that person who finds someone just for the dance, I want to at least have a boyfriend so it won’t seem so forced.  I write that like it’s going to be easy.  My past track record of actually finding someone is very dismal.

 

Sasha did reveal to me today that she went to talk to Lucas after my little blow up yesterday.  I was in the library, as usual, during lunch, when she came and had me walk with her back out on the cross country trail.   

 

“After you left I went to Lucas.  He was still in the classroom doing grades.”  

 

“Yeah and what did he say?”

 

“I snuck in the back of the room and all I could manage was to whisper his name ‘Lucas.’  He stopped what he was doing, but he didn’t look at me.  

 

I told him.

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

“I can’t talk to you.  Not here.”

 

“Where then?”  He was hesitant.

 

“Saturday morning.  7.  At the barn.”

 

“Ok.”

 

I left him there.  His eyes stayed focused on the papers he was grading.”

 

“Where’s the barn?  What did he mean by that?”

 

“He took me there when we were together this summer.  It’s out in the country in Kingston.  About two hours from here.  It belongs to his family.  It’s surrounded by acres of nothing but green grass and its perimeter is shaped by the most beautiful apple trees.”  Sasha had that hidden smile again, like she was remembering something fond.  

 

“So are you going to meet him?”  I had to ignore her expression and stay focused.

 

“Yeah I have to don’t I?”

 

“Well yes, but what are you going to tell your parents?”

 

“They’re gone to Virginia this weekend.  Left this morning before I came to school.”

 

“I guess it worked out for you.”

 

“Jami.  I want you to come with me.”

 

“Oh no I don’t want Mr. Callesano to know that I know, and also I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”

 

“I need you to come, I don’t trust myself around him.  We need closure and I’m scared it’ll lead to something else.”

 

“Okay.  I guess I’ll go.  Also, until it’s over, stay away from flirting with Nate.”

 

“But Nate already thinks we’re together.  I didn’t tell you yesterday, I guess because you didn’t ask, but Nate decided that he was ready to start being a couple.  I mean I did a lot of waiting for him, so why not give it a shot?”

 

“When you two walked in yesterday I knew it looked like you were together, but I thought ‘no way would Sasha do that and play around with Nate’s heart.’  Oh gosh.  I wish you would’ve given it time, not rush into something, clearly since you’re not over Mr. C.”  I was burning inside, that hidden smile from a few seconds ago, in the forefront of my mind.

 

“Jami I wish you would just stop talking about what you wish I would have done and just help me!  I’m so sick of your hindsight advice.”

 

“I mean you’ve made inane decisions and I don’t like this person you’re becoming.  When have you Sasha the soft hearted one, the one who always considered the feelings of others before her own, be so selfish?  Can you not see how egregious your actions have become?”

 

“I know I messed up.  I didn’t mean to fall in love with an older man.  I didn’t mean to use Nate to try and get over Lucas.  I didn’t mean to bring you in this.  I didn’t mean…I didn’t mean…”

 

Sasha was struggling to catch her breath and then the words that came out of her mouth no one could prepare me to expect.  

 

“I didn’t mean to get pregnant.  I didn’t mean to have a miscarriage!”  She was unravelling.

 

“Oh my goodness.  Oh my goodness.  Does Lucas know?”  Her words hit me in the gut like a strong punch.

 

“No I found out after I left him.  I missed my cycle, so I found some tests in my mom’s cabinet in my parents bathroom.  It was positive.  Then one morning I woke up bleeding intensely, I retook the test and saw...there was no more baby.”

 

I had no clue what Sasha was going through.  Here I was her best friend and I couldn’t see that she was on the brink of losing herself.  I held her tightly.  She’s wrong for playing with peoples hearts, but as her friend I felt like I just needed to love her and help her anyway I can.

 

“It’s going to be alright.  I’ll go with you tomorrow and I’ll stay by your side.”  Sasha buried her head in my shoulder.

 

“I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me for not telling him I was pregnant or if he’d believe it when I tell him I only knew for a few days before I woke up bleeding.  Would he even believe if I had a miscarriage at all or would he think worse?”

 

“As in you terminated the pregnancy?”

 

“Yes.  I would never.  I know I’m young, but I was really excited, because I knew he was the father.  But what a blow, him losing another kid.  I thought I would give him something that he lost a year ago.”

 

“Him finally having a child after losing his unborn baby.”

 

“No, him having a family again.”

 

I don’t know what I am going to witness tomorrow between the two of them.  I know it’s going to be a tough morning.  I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.  I had to ask my parents if I could stay with Sasha tonight.  There’s no way she can be alone.  Plus we have to get up early to go out to catch the train to the barn.  I have no clue where the day will lead.​​