Chaos theory is an idea mostly understood as the butterfly effect.  A butterfly takes flight at a certain time and

two years later it produces a thunderstorm.  The smallest action constructs a cataclysm of occurrences.  Chaos also implies one action or non-action can change the course of the future which drives home the theory of Sir Issac Newton that every action has a reaction, but taking it a step further, every action may have a reaction, but that same action doesn’t always have the same results.  Water can drip from the sink faucet and land in one place, two seconds later another drip happens from the same faucet, but lands in a different place in the sink.

 

A couple years ago an official offer from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology sat on my desk.  It was the end of my seventh grade home schooled year.  Twelve years old and I was facing leaving home and going to college by the end of the summer.  Earlier in that year Mr. Gilchrist, a recruiter from the college, sat in our living room as my parents listened intently on all he had to say.

 

“With a talented young mind like Jami’s we at M.I.T. are sure she’s had lots of offers to attain a higher education on the colligate level.”

 

“Yes we’ve been contacted by Stanford, Brown and the California Institute of Technology, but M.I.T. is where I know my husband and I would love to see Jami attend.”  My mom was perched on the edge of her seat.  I remember it like it was yesterday the beaming of both my parents.  They exuded pride and triumph that finally the world would see in their child what they’ve known all along, she was not average, but among the brilliant.  I hid my true feelings on the matter.  

 

“You’re the only meeting we’ve accepted.  After the news of Jami’s MacArthur Fellowship, a hand full of people caught wind of her name, before she decided she wanted to remain anonymous.  I speak for Priscilla and myself when I say we’re thankful that M.I.T. wants to help in guiding Jami towards completing the fellowship.”

 

“It’s our pleasure, plus the feeling is mutual and we are excited about learning from the girl who used Pythagorean’s theorem to find the slope of a line instead of the actual formula for slope.  That’s the kind of forward thinking the institute is looking for.  We get set in hundreds of years of thinking a certain way, but then comes a fresh young mind challenging us all.  Tell me Jami what will be the focus of your fellowship?”

 

Chaos grappled my mind.  As I sat contemplating to answer his question I projected multiple trajectories of my life.  I wasn’t afraid to attend collage at a young age.  No it was something else an image in my mind I couldn’t erase.  When we visited my grandparents down south that past summer I remember walking downtown on the riverfront for an evening in Wilmington, there was a young couple.  The guy and girl walked hand in hand eating vanilla ice cream from their waffle cones.  I had no clue if they’d be together forever, where life would lead them, I just knew in that moment as the breeze blew through cooling the humid city, as the stars and moon illuminated the night sky, they’d forever have that beautiful memory.

 

“I am looking to examine the relationship between chaos and predictability.  To see if building formulaic equations could truly tell the future.”

 

“You’re wanting to be God?  No one really knows the future, even when things are predictable sometimes the supernatural takes place.”  He rebutted.

 

“People blame supernatural because they haven’t challenged themselves enough to find a logical explanation, so of course it’d be easy put it off on what I’m thinking more and more is a myth even though I’m subject to go to church every Sunday.”  I remember my parents remaining calm.  My mother and her sometimes fuming temper wouldn’t want me to miss a chance at her bragging that a child of hers will be attending M.I.T., but they were pleased with Mr. Gilchrist’s response to me.

 

“I can tell you absolutely have a brilliant mind and you’re challenging things that are taught to you, but I must warn you about the slippery slope of what you’re implying.  At the end of the day, before you were a violin child prodigy and now MacArthur Genius, you’re still a human who has no life experience.  There’s nothing wrong with accepting a spiritual world, because the longer you live the more you realize something beyond yourself is in control and the rules and laws bend for no one unless a miracle happens.  I’ll make sure I give the board my approving recommendation for Jami.”

 

“What makes you say that?”  I was curious about his knowing of miracles.

 

“Because I had a praying mother and one day while on the side of the interstate after my tire blew out a tractor trailer jack-hammered, flipped and rolled over me.  Scientifically am I supposed to be here?”

 

“You had great doctors?  Shouldn’t they get credit?”

 

“I didn’t have a scratch on me.  The EMT took me to the hospital to make sure I didn’t have any internal bleeding going on and I was out of the emergency room within an hour.”

 

I sat perplexed.  He stood, shook our hands and bidded us goodbye.

 

Truthfully, I had become resentful.  Being a child prodigy was a lonely life and the only friend I had in D.C. moved to New York before that summer had started.  When I found out Sasha would be leaving I prayed to God not to take my only friend away.  She was more than a friend I considered her my sister.  Her parents, Guy and Margo, went into the marine reserves and decided to move to New York to work in finance and on her last night they allowed her to stay the night with me.  I clung to that night trying to enjoy my friendship and ignoring the gloom of the sunrise.

 

“I brought my ukulele.”  Sasha ran and grabbed it out her bag.

 

“Oh no you’re not going to make me sing are you?  You’ve tried to teach me and after all these years I’m still tone deaf.”

 

“I refuse to believe that especially from someone who plays the violin as beautifully as you.”

 

She sat in the middle of my floor and crossed her legs.  She started strumming the melody.

 

“Summer time and the living is easy, fish are jumping and the cotton is high.  Your daddy’s rich and your mama’s good looking.  So hush little baby don’t you cry.”  Her husky tone reminded me of a young Toni Braxton mixed with the resonance of Whitney Houston.

 

She continued to sing and play luring my parents into the room, which erupted into an applause after she finished her last note.

 

“I am going to miss that voice of yours around here Sasha Anderson.  For eleven years old it’s really gotten very strong, even since the last time we heard you sing and play at Guy and Margo’s soiree this past Christmas.  Don’t you think so James?”

 

“Yes very strong indeed.”

 

“We’ll leave you two, but make sure you come say goodbye before you leave in the morning okay?”

 

“Sure thing Mr. C.”

 

“Have you been working on any new pieces?  Even with the symphony?  I want to hear you play something before I go.”

 

“Well yeah there’s one it’s been on my mind since you told me you were moving away.  We started learning this piece for the end of summer symphony.”  I grabbed my bow and violin, placed my chin on the rest and played the violin solo from Ashokan Farewell.  My heart was split into, I felt like death had come upon me and God did nothing to stop Sasha’s departure.  As I played we wept, then after the last note rang out I ran to her and embraced her on the floor, crying aloud.  

 

Sasha my wonderfully eccentric friend, bohemian and an old soul.  I had the book smarts, but she taught me common sense and accepted me even when I’d be too focused to consider the feelings of others.  After giving her last hugs the next morning Sasha, Guy and Margo drove off waving goodbye I felt a rip in my reality and I truly knew chaos happened.  The emotions were overwhelming and as soon as the car rounded the corner my mom turned to me and said

 

“It’s Sunday you need to go get ready for church.”  I ran to my room and slammed the door which led to a morning of arguing with my mother and being in agony.

 

So there sat the letter and I remembered Mr. Gilchrist’s words “something beyond yourself is in control”.  I wrestled with the life of academia, I warred with being a prodigy and playing for the symphony.  No love for that life could be found in my heart.  I brought the image of the guy and girl back to my mind and cherished it in my soul.  Without words a prayer lifted from my spirit as tears ran down my face, I wanted something else, because what I felt like I was continuing to do had no purpose or meaning.

 

I fell asleep at my desk and then the next morning a miracle happened.  My parents left for work like normal and my tutor, Ariel, came to start my lessons.  By ten o’clock both my parents were back home with exciting news.

 

“Jami your mother and I have some news.  Priscilla you go first.”

 

“Well to put it simply I am being made a partner at our law firm, but that means we’re going to have to relocate so I can work at the corporate office in New York.”

 

“We have to move?!  What about daddy’s job?”

 

“Actually that’s a good segue to my announcement.  I got fired.  So your mother making partner is exactly what we are going to need for a while until I find something in the city.  Gosh I only hate that this’ll give Simon leverage, maybe he won’t find out.  California is over three thousand miles away.”  My dad and uncle Simon had a fun sibling rivalry about which son will be the most successful.

 

“But daddy you’re the CEO how can they fire you?”

 

“Oh honey the board voted me out and bought all my shares.  So I have a nice lump sum of money for us to move and get settled into a small place while you go to school.  Bright side we’ll be closer to you than before.”

 

I had my answer.  In that moment I knew that something heard me and I saw the opportunity to cause more chaos and change my life to be filled with more uncertainty than I could ever imagine.

 

“Well with all the news we’re sharing with each other today I have some as well.”

 

I broke the news to my parents that I was done with the life I was living and wanted to be normal.

 

“But you’re not normal Jami!”  My mom protested.

 

“Don’t you see this is my way out.  I can’t do it anymore.  Plus Sasha is in New York.  I can go to school with her and we can live wherever Guy and Margo moved to.”

 

“No!  You’ll be attending M.I.T. in the fall and that’s final!  Tell her James!”

 

“I think we all need to calm down and listen to what Jami is saying.  If her heart is not in it then would it be worth sending her off and she potentially blowing all the money from the fellowship?”

 

“You’re not serious?!  She’s worked too hard!  We’ve worked too hard!”

 

“I know, but it’s okay to change the course.  Plus this is a decision that Jami wants to make and I think it’s important we let her.”

 

“No James!  No!”

 

“Jami go to your room while your mother and I discuss this.  Ariel you can take the rest of the day off.” 

 

I sat in my room as my parents hashed things out.  Two hours passed before I was called back in the living room.  My mother sat shaking her legs in tears and snot on her face.  She held herself rocking back and forth slightly.  My dad did all the talking.

 

“We’ve decided that you don’t have to go to M.I.T., you’ll continue to be homeschooled to finish your eighth grade year and you have to take violin lessons to stay in practice.  That’ll give your mother and I enough time to check out the schools in the area and also talk with Guy and Margo to see what they recommend.”

 

I smiled with glee.  My mother’s displeasure couldn’t change the joy I felt in that moment.

 

“Thank you daddy!”  I ran to hug my parents.

 

“You’re welcome, but know we still expect excellence from you and you cannot just do whatever.  Your mother and I are still responsible in helping you mold a bright future for yourself, so whatever school you go to, you’ll be expected to meet above their standards.  Got it?”

 

“Got it!”

 

Today as I sit writing the first entry to my diary and reflect on our move to New York back in the summer of 2000 I realize how different my life has become to where it was.   We moved to the same neighborhood as Sasha.  She had a new friend named Nate.  At first I felt jealous of him coming in and taking my time away from hanging with Sasha.  I know I missed a year or so of hanging around her, but every time she came over he was with her and every time I went to her house he was there.  It all changed after a night of going to a skate party for one of the kids at the school they were attending, we three became closer than ever.  My last year of homeschooling was torture, I had gotten a taste of being around more kids my age, but I made more friends through hanging out with Nate, Sasha, Rielle and Candace (who moved to Ohio at the end of eighth grade year).  Rielle continued public school as the next year rolled around and the rest of us were enrolled at Steinham Preparatory High School.  Sasha and Nate obtained scholarships because of sports and my parents sent me because they were pleased with the school’s academic standing in the nation and being a feeder school to the Ivy League.  

 

I don’t know why I didn’t start journaling my thoughts and experiences when I moved or at least when I started high school last year, but all I remember was being nervous the whole time.  Some people didn’t like me.  Like Hamilton Blake, rich snob, who had a crush on a senior named Bradley, but Bradley liked me.  I snuck out to see him one night with the help of two girls, Alexis and Sierra, who I found to be incredibly intimidating, but they turned out to be cool.  He was my first make out ever, but it ended abruptly when he tried to undress me.  With Alexis and Sierra there keeping watch out, they heard me protest Bradley and they instantly gave him a black eye.  He went around school telling everyone he was hit by a football, not a couple freshmen girls who punched like men.  Afterwards he dated Hamilton to spite me.  Her two chicken head friends, Chloe and Meghan, always tried to fight me, so Alexis and Sierra stayed around to help protect me.  Then this summer came and I lost contact with everyone, because I wanted to reinvent myself again coming back more as a woman and not be someone everyone wanted to bully.  It’s why I left my achievements a secret in the first place.  No one but Sasha knew of my past life and that’s how I always want to keep it.

 

My summer was pretty interesting.  First of all, I don’t know what my parents were thinking when they decided to send me to space camp?  Maybe it was payback for M.I.T.?  They’re still responsible for me, but math and music has always been my strong points, not space, I mean is there any point for me knowing anything about space besides knowing I can’t survive out there?  Anyways, after space camp, they then sent me to church camp down in North Carolina near where my grandparents live.  They’ve been trying to stay on top of me believing in God and having faith.  I lean more to the logical side of things, but I didn’t protest and once I got there I ended up learning a lot and meeting some nice people. On my first day I met Terri, Samantha and Susanna, we all stayed in the same cabin.  

 

“Hi I’m Sam, this is Terri and Susanna.”

 

“Jami.”

 

“Is this your first time coming to church camp?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Don’t worry we’re going to have a lot of fun.”  I wasn’t sure what Sam meant by fun.  We went to these groups and talked about teen pregnancy, abortion and suicide.  People gave their testimonies how they survived attempted suicide and rape by incest and even conceiving a children.  How God brought them through the hard times.  I was still skeptic, because why did God allow it in the first place?  But my peer counselor Andrew was enough eye candy to enjoy my time there and keep my mind distracted from the sheeple sharing about their faith.  I never thought I would be attracted to a church boy though, he had a special air about him.  Every time he taught group I could feel his authority and passion for what he was saying.  The week passed so fast, I wanted more time with him, but he did give me his number to stay in touch.  I never told him of how much cynicism I had inside me about everything he believed.  

 

After I left camp I had to go stay with my grandparents.  I feel like my parents were trying to be rid of me because I stayed at Grandma Pearl’s mothball-green-alcohol-scented-100-degree house for three weeks.  I think I died twice in my sleep being suffocated from the smell.  I came back to life because the smell was so strong as well that it had resurrection power!  I’m glad because I can’t tell that if I actually were dead then I had to be in hell or at least that’s what it felt like!  I mean is the requirement for old age is to have the heat running during the hottest summer on record?! And of course I gained what feels like fifty pounds!  Don’t get me wrong the food is always good, but why in the south the food has to be seasoned with pork and fried to boot?!  Also, my aunts and cousins are so loud.  I mean it was a joke on the tv.  I have an aunt who screamed every time she laughed, I’d have to go catch my heart after it jumped and ran out my chest from being scared to death.  My cousins wanted to bet on everything.  “I bet you can’t jump over that fence?!”  “I bet you can’t read that sign?!”  “I bet you can’t walk in a straight line?!”  “I bet you can’t run faster than me?!”  How about this I bet y’all won’t finish high school!  I was so happy when daddy came and picked me up!  It had been weeks since I had seen my parents.  I missed them so much and after getting back home we finally took a family vacation to Bermuda! 

 

The beach was my favorite part, especially after that plane ride.  The flight went so fast I declare they must’ve shot us right out of a canon.  The actual ride was supposed to be two hours and thirty minutes, we got there in an hour and a half.  I guess I should be thankful to JetBlue Airways for the lack of jet lag, but geez air speeding much?

 

I am so amazed at the earth.  It can be freezing cold one place and absolutely warm with a sweet breeze in another.  I tip my hat to you Mother Nature.  Plus the warmth led me to go a layout outside as soon as we arrived, which in chance led me to meet Enrique.  A second summer crush!  Who would have thought?!  Of course, I never stayed in touch with Andrew after I went to my grandma’s.  I was going to call him, but Enrique happened and I got to spend way more time with him and had a chance to get a little bit closer.  He made me consider losing my virginity on the island and all that bible camp talk went out the window, because I just felt so ready.  It would’ve been so romantic and a story that I would treasure for all my life.

 

Gosh, his bronze skin.  He smelled like honey and pineapple.  We danced.  We swam.  I made sure he saw the cleavage I had to show.  We made out.  When I say we made out I mean we made out a lot.  He tasted as good as he smelled.  I know Andrew would tell me I was lusting, but Andrew wasn’t there and Enrique was fine.  We took long walks on the beach and just talked about things I can’t even remember.  All I remember is my head always being dizzy when he was around.  Maybe I should’ve never uttered “I love you” on our last night together?  I hear if you ever want to turn a guy off then say those words, but I truly felt love, I was ready and I thought he felt the same way.  He just made up some excuse to leave.  We made out for about five more minutes and I didn’t see him again.  A COMPLETE JERK!  I mean what kind of guy would reject love?  I have feelings too you know.  If I could give him a piece of my mind.  But there is something wrong with me.  I still have butterflies and I can’t stand Enrique at the same time!  I guess this year I’ll have to make myself more available to get a real-steady boyfriend, one who’ll love and notice me and won’t run away when I share my true feelings.  Maybe I should call Andrew.  He’ll never know that I hooked up with Enrique.  Plus Andrew is a nice guy.  I mean I did meet him at church camp, so I know my parents would approve.  Yes, I think I’ll do that.  

 

I know I have a lot to share once I go back to school tomorrow.  I purposefully didn’t stay in touch with anyone because I wanted to seem way too busy to hang out with anyone this summer.  Oh how the girls will be jealous, especially about Bermuda and Enrique, just need to tell them something other than “Oh I said I love you and he freaked, left me out on the beach by myself and didn’t bother to give me his phone number.”  I would come off pretty lame and being lame will interfere with me not being bullied.  I’m sure they would bully me if they found out in all my goings this summer, I did manage to do the summer assignments.  It’s not required, but for anyone to be at the top of the class and want their resume to look good for college always completes the summer assignments.  Plus I promised my parents that I wouldn’t give up on doing my very best even though I chose a somewhat normal life.  

 

On the list for tomorrow, put on a daring outfit, they must be jealous especially Hamilton.  Nothing provocative, just be sexy-sweet.  I need to call Andrew and make it seem like at least I’m “talking” to someone.  And if I ever see that loser Enrique again, he’ll wish he never gave this up!